“Krekkst, krekkst… hak, tek.”
The air crackled and fizzled with eldritch activity.
“Krek-sting, testing... one, two… okay we’ve got it now thanks. Good evening! This is Krakk the Talker from the Hammer-shock Clan...”
“And Riali Silvermane of the Wood-elves” his counterpart chimed in.
“Welcoming you to the last day of the 14th Olympiad of the Realm, on the Bardic Broadcasting Network”
“Yes indeed, Krakk… and what a games it’s been. A complete cessation of hostilities outside the arena… and hundreds of reasons to start many MANY more within!”
“You join us now for the last event, the MMA title belt.”
“That’s ‘Maiming, Murder, and Cannibalism, for those unfamiliar with the abbreviation… we know it doesn’t make sense, but the Trolls named it and we’re not going to argue with THEM.”
“Very sensible Riali… as a nation they have a combined intellect equal to a half-eaten sandwich, and a fondness for extreme violence that even my Ork brethren consider ‘over the top’.”
“Tell me Krakk… Didn’t the Trolls ban themselves from entering their own stronghold last year?”
“Yes they did. They instantly broke their rules and the killing went on for months. The chaos only ended when King Crusha burnt the building down to nothing.”
“Inventive! And here he is now! 8-foot, 40 stone of grey-skinned sinew. Universally tipped to win this gold for the twelfth time! What did he do with the previous medals Krakk?”
The two of them answered together
“He ate them!”
The two announcers’ laughter while Krakk pulled himself together.
“He’s had an easy run to the final this year hasn’t he”
“Yes he has… every opponent has committed suicide when they were drawn against him, giving him four straight wins without him lifting a finger.
“And what of his opponent my elven friend?”
“What about her? She’s going to die.”
“We have to show some sort of balance here, even if the brainless runt is going to lose.”
“She’s going to die. Very very quickly. Okay, okay, okay…”
The airwaves broadcast nothing save the sounds of Riali rifling through her notes.
“...here we are: Hik-Chet, from Pliglund, of the Rat-men...”
“And women”
“...and women… one of ten competitors they put forward for this event. This is the first time they’ve ever attempted anything other than the sprints, and their participation has been ridiculed by everyone. It should be mentioned that standing at 28 inches tall makes her the largest Rat-person recorded... well... ever. Anywhere. I mean come on, eight of the others were trampled to death by the officials at the weigh-in before the event even started?!”
“Isn’t Pliglund home to the Berserker tribes?”
“Yes, but they don’t know what they own, so they can’t confirm or deny where their home is. Would you read Hik-Chet’s fight record for me, I’ve spent enough time on her.”
“Hik-Chet.” Krakk continued “Four wins. First opponent – didn’t enter the ring due to sickness. Second opponent – turned up drunk, walloped a judge and got disqualified. Third – sickness. Final opponent – Bolger ‘Trollslayer’ Bloodaxe of the Drwafs announced that competing against such a mongrel creature was an insult to his proud heritage and boycotted the event in disgust.”
“Not without merit... as the only ever survivor of the semi-finals, he became the first to win a copper medal in the event. We’ve never been able to stage a third-place play-off before.”
“Just to confirm to our listeners, this thing has done nothing at all to get to the final. You can hear the crowd laughing at her as she enters the ring. It’s a sad day for sport Riali.”
“It certainly is Krakk. At least this will be over quickly, two enter, one dies and we crown King Crusha with the gold.”
The bell is rung.
“And they’re off! Hik-Chet surprising everyone there by charging Crusha”
“That’s right Krakk. She’s scrabbled all over him and is poised to move into his blind-spot.”
“She’s behind him, you mean.”
“Yes all right, she’s behind him… but Crusha hasn’t noticed yet, he’s just scratching his left arm.”
“This is a surprise listeners… the rat wench has drawn some blood. Crusha looks confused.” “Crusha always looks confused, Krakk. Wait he’s started turning, and Hik-Chet is off to the races! She’s circling him as fast as he can spin!”
“Making him dizzy won’t win her the belt Riali”
“Too true my jagged-fanged friend!”
“Thank you my alliterative elven associate!”
.
..
…
“Hey, they didn’t call me ‘The Talker’ for nothing. Any updates on the big fight?”
“None. Hik-Chet is still just running in circles.”
“Okay then, while we’re waiting for something to happen, we’re going over to our reporter Anna Annisson for her take on the other events of the festival. Hello Anna!”
A voice like honey joins in the conversation. This voice has a hangover.
“Hello? This is supposed to be my day-off you know? Report on the first 45 fixtures and leave the big finale to you two… that was the deal!”
“We are broadcasting live here, Anna can you at least attempt some professionalism?”
“Sorry Riali, I got up three minutes ago and I’m wearing nothing but an athletic support I stole off one of the hurdlers I shared an orgy with.”
“She told me she was done with orgies...”
“Shut up Krakk, she’s out of your league… Anna remind our listeners what happened in the aquatic events last week”
“There’s not much to add really, the Krau won them all. All six golds, six silvers and six coppers went to the Krau. Streets ahead of all opposition.”
“And to what do you attribute their success?”
“They have gills Riali… and fins. Of course they won, their entire species lives underwater; what do you want from me? Leave me in peace!”
“Let’s go back to the fight then… Krakk, your thoughts?”
“Well things looked half-interesting a moment ago when we thought the rat-bitch might’ve stepped out the ring, earning her a disqualification, but she was still in. That’s it. She’s still running in a circle, King Crusha is turning just a little too slowly to see her. He’s looking a bit peaky, but that’s it.”
Okay then… Anna, was there not a story about the Wizards and the Dwarfs?
“Uggggh. Kill me” Anna almost whispered, before arming herself with sarcasm. “Yes Ms Silvermane, the Dwarfs are furious with the Wizards. As is traditional the Wizards win every event out-right before getting disqualified from all of them. This year their tally rests at 46 golds, and 45 DQ’s. Everyone remembers very clearly that they won the MMA title, despite everyone knowing it hadn’t happened yet (we all still have headaches over THAT piece of paradox). As their Archmage said to me in interview ‘We don’t need to win any event... we just need to prove we could win EVERY event.’ He was then seen heading off to the Goblin brothel amidst chants of ‘The Archmage likes it weird.’”
Krakk grumbles in confusion.
“What about the Dwarfs?”
“Right, right the Dwarfs...”
The broadcast clearly delivers the sounds of Anna throwing up violently.
“The Dwarfs. They participate in these games at their sufferance as they win very little. Nothing annoys a Dwarf more than watching the gold they’ve mined leave their hands, and they can only ever rely on the shot-put and the hammer-toss to uphold their pride. The hammer-toss is the one event the Wizards have yet to be disqualified from.”
“What’s the hold-up?” Riali enquired.
“The judges need to examine their hammer to see what charms they’ve applied to it, and it hasn’t landed yet. If it doesn’t hit the ground before the closing ceremony the Wizards will get to keep their first gold medal.
“Will it?” Krakk asked.
“I doubt it, it’s achieved a stable orbit. As I said the Dwarfs are furious. The medals table will show a tie with...”
“I’m going to have to stop you there Anna, Crusha can barely walk!” Riali rabidly interjected.
“You’re right, he’s sweating, he’s reeling, he’s not looking healthy at all. What’s she done to him? Hey… give me those!”
Krakk swipes Riali’s notes off of her.
“You lazy-arsed Elf twit. Hik-Chet isn’t from Pliglund… She’s from the PLAGUE-LANDS. She’s positively riddled with disease, and she’s infected Crusha!”
The sound of a very heavy object coming to a very definite stop on the ground is broadcast. Krakk, Riali and Anna are dumbfounded until Krakk finally breaks the silence.
“She’s won. Hik-Chet has won the MMA gold. You’re thoughts Riali?”
“She’s won. The officials are presenting her with the medal now. Anna, could you get an interview please?”
“On my way now.”
“While she’s on her way, the Trolls seem to be very impressed with Hik-Chet don’t they Krakk? They’re bowing to their knees”
“Oh. My. Belligerent. Gods.”
“What, Krakk, what?”
“The Trolls are ruled by trial by combat. King Crusha is dead, Hik-Chet is now their queen!”
“She rules the Trolls?! Anna! Anna! What does she have to say?”
A squeaking raspy voice, out of breath and hungry, simply says:
“My people are starving. We need food.”
A deafening silence filled the air until Krakk the Talker summarized the mood.
“RUN! He yelled.
Some time later
“Hello. This is Anna Annisson of the Bardic Broadcasting Network, back on line for the first time since the games. We would like to reassure our listeners that the fires are now under control. After the Queen Hik-Chet’s astounding victory, she sent the Trolls to war. They ravaged the Human and Elven farmlands leaving nothing but blighted earth in their wake. They had bet the entirety of their wealth with the Goblin bookkeepers on a gold medal in the MMA event, and as a result instantly bankrupted the realms economy. A crisis meeting was held with the Goblins’ Chairman, Chief Cashier and Board of Directors; who unanimously agreed to exchange the value of the betting slip for a 55% share of their bank. The goblin’s then put forward their proposal to quintuple the mortgage rates levied on the Dwarfs and the Wizards. They had been considering this for quite some time, but lacked the muscle to follow through. The Dwarfs, who were at the time planning a counter-offensive, had no choice but to retreat back to their mountain home to mine their first payment. They have not been seen since. The Wizards paid off their loans in full, and very quickly signed a non-aggression treaty with Queen Hik-Chet. They have, as a result, stepped down from their positions on all realm-wide committees. The Orks, my long-standing friend and associate Krakk the Talker included, attacked the Trolls on Black Marsh. As always they banded as one, screamed very loudly and charged. They will be missed. The Humans and Elves are incapable of feeding themselves, and have thus begun begging the Krau for spare seaweed. The Queen is establishing a rationing system as we speak. Stay tuned for further updates as events warrant. Good night, good luck and all hail the Swarm!”